I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as simple as a pack of wolves.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means something.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten the dogs.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm going insane again.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know, most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?".
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known as screw-boys.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I can watch.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I think a good name for him would be Carl.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.
- Jack Handey (aka Jack Handy)
